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And now for something COMPLETELY different.

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Feb. 7th, 2006 | 06:59 pm
mood: exhaustedexhausted
music: Jessamine

OH NO

HE'S FINALLY GOING TO TELL THAT STORY

Here it comes, out of nowhere, scientific inquiry at its most retarded.

For those of you reading this who are of a female persuasion--you need a little background to understand what I'm about to describe. For lack of a better term, let's call it DUDE LAW 101: WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO PISS.

Here's how it works. When you walk into an empty public restroom, you are expected by DUDE LAW to take one of the urinals on the end. Closest or furthest, makes no difference, just so long as it's on an end. Next dude to enter the restroom, then, also following DUDE LAW, is expected to take the opposite end, putting maximum possible space between the two of you. As the restroom fills up, the middle urinal is next, then depending on how many urinals there are on the wall, they fill up in such an order that maximum personal space is preserved for all. This is the core element of DUDE LAW 101.

So, once you have your spot picked out and business is about to commence, DUDE LAW 102: HOW TO PISS WITHOUT GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED comes into effect. In a nutshell, you are never, NEVER, allowed to be so much as suspected of sneaking a peek at another dude's package. That would make you a meat-looker, a crime punishable by all sorts of heinous ass-whoopery. So, eyes front at all times. Ignore the other dudes. They're ignoring you too. Go to your happy place. Think of waterfalls or something. There is a caveat, though. You can't look down, either. Getting caught eyeballing your own johnson is strictly verboten as well. You can only look at it at the beginning and end of the operation, and at those times only long enough to make sure things are happening in the right order. This can be especially important when drinking.

So--what is there to look at while you do the deed? Certainly not the ceiling. Nobody wants to be skylarking while serious business is going down. Lately, advertisers have taken to putting advertisement material on the wall right at eye level in some bars, particularly in larger cities, but you can't depend on that. What you can depend on is the flush valve.

Here's where the science comes in.

For more than fifteen years now I have been consciously looking at the flush valves I have seen around the world and cataloguing them according to the frequency I see them. Tonight I will post the results of my years-long study of toilet flush valve prevalence. Are you ready? Here we go.

Clocking in at number 1 is the ultimate, King-Kong Ding-Dong daddy of them all, the dependable, affordable, and downright sassy Sloan Royal, which I have seen in every country in the world that I have visited. I would estimate that something like 50% of all commercial flush valves are this one model:



Don't even try to tell me you've never seen one.

Number two, not surprisingly, is also a Sloan product, the Laurel to the Royal's Hardy, the mighty and majestic Sloan Regal:



Number three is the fabulous Zurn Aquaflush, which, like the Sloan products, also comes in automatic models these days:



Number four is probably my favorite. It has a charming imprint on the top of the valve body which reads "TURN TO SILENCE" which is good advice for anybody. Gentlemen, I give you the Delaney Flushboy:



Odd historical fact: The Coyne-Delaney valve company was founded by the grandfather of actress Dana Delaney, who reportedly worked one summer in the Delaney factory. I like to imagine that I have flushed a valve that she stamped the "TURN TO SILENCE" on.



Next up is the seldom-seen but nonetheless interesting TOTO:



There's your top five. Now for some oddballs.

This is the Sloan Dolphin. Typically you will only see this one in maritime applications--like, say, a navy ship.



Here is the Delaney Cutlass. It likes to hobnob with the Dolphin, and can often be seen in adjacent stalls.



Here is a real rarity: The Sloan Naval Flush. I have only seen it twice, once on the second-floor men's room of the Fine Arts building of WSU in Pullman, WA, and once at a Little America in Wyoming.



There are a few others but I am currently misremembering their names. I will post them as my memory serves me. I saw a new one today, the Sloan Royal Quiet Flush II, which the Internet tells me was discontinued in 1962. I took pictures.

I know, I know. I need to get a hobby or something.


NEWS FLASH

The Sloan Royal Quiet Flush II was not discontinued--it lives today as the Royal. The stamping "Quiet Flush II" was what was discontinued. I apologize for any confusion this may have caused amateur flushologists.

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Comments {24}

Nimisha

(no subject)

from: nimisha
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 04:24 am (UTC)
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When you said HE'S FINALLY GOING TO TELL THAT STORY, this was soooo not the story I was thinking it was going to be. *lol*


I'm still waiting for The Great American Novel post. ;^)

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madhatte

(no subject)

from: madhatte
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 04:28 am (UTC)
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Heh. Just keepin' you on your toes.

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Nimisha

(no subject)

from: nimisha
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 04:36 am (UTC)
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Well, that WOULD make me look taller, but why would that matter online? :S

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You're SO right...

from: janetcarolina
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 04:33 am (UTC)
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You definitively need to get a hobby. Hmmm, i'm thinking maybe practicing on some missing skills ;P

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madhatte

Re: You're SO right...

from: madhatte
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 04:38 am (UTC)
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Playing piano? Driving a Zamboni? Horseback riding? Cross-stitch? 3-part harmonies? whatever are you talking about?

*looks innocent*

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Oh, don't give me that look...

from: janetcarolina
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 04:43 am (UTC)
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you can fool them all but not me, i know what's into that dirty mind of yours, he, he

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madhatte

Re: Oh, don't give me that look...

from: madhatte
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 04:45 am (UTC)
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YOU KNOW ABOUT THE ROCKS?!?

Who told?

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Re: Oh, don't give me that look...

from: janetcarolina
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 04:53 am (UTC)
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I know all there is to know, HaHaHa

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madhatte

Re: Oh, don't give me that look...

from: madhatte
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 04:55 am (UTC)
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OMINOUS

PORTENTS OF DOOOOOOOOOOM

(crystal balls and all that jazz)

(also no Jambe the Genie)

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Traci

(no subject)

from: one4worldpeace
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 05:45 am (UTC)
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OK that's it, you do need an excuse to leave the house and not sit in front of the computer all day. Because that shows just how board you really are.

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justinhart

(no subject)

from: bsdstud
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 05:45 am (UTC)
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Three words:

Best entry ever.

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(no subject)

from: bruised_heel
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 10:23 am (UTC)
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This must rank as one of the best journal entries I've ever read HAHAHA

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(no subject)

from: shecksy
date: Feb. 8th, 2006 10:38 pm (UTC)
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I was just gonna say the same, lol... I'm still laughing over the first paragraph... "n a nutshell, you are never, NEVER, allowed to be so much as suspected of sneaking a peek at another dude's package. That would make you a meat-looker, a crime punishable by all sorts of heinous ass-whoopery."

lol, interesting indeed?

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(no subject)

from: bruised_heel
date: Feb. 9th, 2006 02:58 pm (UTC)
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And this is why us fella's don't go to the bathroom in pairs, it's just an alien concept to us. And if some guy started chatting to me whilst I'm doing my thing, I would be like 'yo dude, what you doing, i'm trying to pee here'

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immyls

(no subject)

from: immyls
date: Feb. 9th, 2006 03:07 am (UTC)
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so... prompted by this exact post, i examined the flushing mechanism whilst releaving myself today, and sure enough, it was a sloan royal. personally, i've always just sort of stared at the wall and gone somewhere else in my head. but then, i do that a lot anyway, so perhaps thats not so surprizing. and now that i look over the post again, i realize it might have been a regal... i'll have to look again tommorow.

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madhatte

(no subject)

from: madhatte
date: Feb. 9th, 2006 03:09 am (UTC)
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See? Now you're on the Madhatte Street Team too.

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immyls

(no subject)

from: immyls
date: Feb. 10th, 2006 01:12 am (UTC)
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i looked again today, and noticed a regal, and also a regal lc, in two different loo's.

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madhatte

(no subject)

from: madhatte
date: Feb. 10th, 2006 01:14 am (UTC)
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The funny thing is, once you get into the habit of looking at teh valves, you'll never be able to stop. It's like seeing the Fnords.

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And people give me crap about the fecal missile theory?

from: anonymous
date: Feb. 9th, 2006 03:49 pm (UTC)
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Congratulations, you've surpassed dork. You better get out one of your old quotebooks because I nominate you for CLOD.

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madhatte

Re: And people give me crap about the fecal missile theory?

from: madhatte
date: Feb. 9th, 2006 05:56 pm (UTC)
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Don't tell me you didn't laugh. I know where you live, sort of.

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Mongo here.

from: anonymous
date: Feb. 10th, 2006 05:20 pm (UTC)
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I've never really looked at those because... well... as you know, I would have to look down. And that isn't allowed...

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madhatte

Re: Mongo here.

from: madhatte
date: Feb. 10th, 2006 09:17 pm (UTC)
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Most of us aren't 300 feet tall.

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this is awesome.

from: lola_incognito
date: Feb. 11th, 2006 08:34 am (UTC)
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your journal skills are so superior to mine I'd like to pay a moment of humble gratitude that a)you make entries in your journal and b) that I know you through Sharon to be privaleaged to read them. No, I'm not drunk - just highly highly amused and appreciative - both of the Dude Law Education and the amazing catalog of toilet flushers. I don't know why, but I just find this entry wonderful and amazing. Thank you. Thank you. A thousand times Thank you...

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madhatte

Re: this is awesome.

from: madhatte
date: Feb. 11th, 2006 08:41 am (UTC)
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You're quite welcome. This is the kind of buzz that keeps me writing. I will keep it up, to the best of my ability.

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